Women realize that we have come a long way in terms of equality with men. We can achieve and do things that were unthinkable a hundred years ago. We also realize that the equality we see is not without issue and room to grow. However, there is an invisible inequality that is difficult to explain and a challenge to find balance. It is soon after pregnancy begins that women realize their minds seem no longer just their own – it's as if they are sharing it with another person. After childbirth, they quickly realize that pregnancy brain soon becomes mom brain; A term often used in humor, but nonetheless with science backing it as a reality. Add the mental load involved in managing a household and, often also working full-time and sometimes even attending school, this mental load is almost impossible to carry even for a supermom. So how do you equalize this and reduce mom brain so you can feel more like yourself instead of an extension of your never-ending to-do list?
I am sitting here as a work at home mother, a freelancer, writing a newsletter, perilously close to my deadline. Making sure my toddler isn’t getting into too much trouble. Trying to avoid interruptions that inevitably come my way, the reminders my own brain stores away: anything from which colleges my teenager will tour, what my 25-year-old son will need when he moves into an apartment with his girlfriend, and the need to order a lunch box for September when my toddler goes to a nursery program. Add to this keeping track of everyone’s dental visits that need to be made and a running shopping list that never ends. Really it never ends. Of course, there is always the what’s for dinner question that makes most moms cringe! Add in everyone’s dietary needs, preferences and dislikes (I live in a multi-generational household). My head hurts and mom brain seems ever-present. I cannot say that my husband is thinking about even 10% of this stuff and if you are a single parent, you always carry this load on your own.
Mom Brain is Real
Often it is said jokingly, but science has backed up the long-known fact that being a mom means your brain isn’t always what it used to be. According to studies done by Dr. Liisa Galea, at the University of British Columbia, “pregnancy permanently alters the brain”. They found that women's' brains physically and psychologically change after pregnancy. Dr. Galea found that hormones impact the brain and behavior. “Particularly estrone and estradiol, alter a specific region of the brain, the hippocampus, which plays an important role in memory and spatial relations.” The study also showed that the mom's brain can affect learning skills. (1)
Overwhelmed with the Mental Load
Studies show that while women are almost equal in the workplace and in academic arenas, there is still lots of work to be done in the family household. “Mothers with jobs that are the major source of income are also two to three times more likely to be managing the household and family’s schedules than fathers." Everything from appointments, organizing vacations, chores that need to be done and what the family needs in all aspects falls most often upon the mother. This means mothers walk around with a constant ongoing to-do list and a calendar. The mental load of the home, family, work, and school can become quite overwhelming. While we call these mothers “supermoms”, this isn’t something that is sustainable. Eventually, it can become detrimental to their health and quality of life invoking anything from chronic fatigue to adrenal fatigue to cognitive issues. Often “invisible” to those around them, the mental load that mothers carry is enormous. (2)
According to 2017 data:
- 86% of working mothers handle all household and family responsibilities
- 72% feel it is their job to keep their children’s schedule
- 63% missed work to take care of a sick child
- 63% of working moms are more likely to volunteer at school
- 73% organize all the family parties, vacations, and outings.
Plus they are also more likely to be the people managing the family finances, maintaining the yard, and taking care of the home. Most importantly to note is that 52% of working moms are burning out from this constant mental load.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Women accept the burden because we have been socialized to do so. There is a stigma attached to mothers, particularly working mothers, who drop the ball. Does your kid forget something at school? Miss your kid's dental checkup? Don’t send something in for the bake sale? It is the mom that is most often seen as lacking. To compensate for this guilt, working moms have to not only remind everyone what needs to be done, we often end up doing it ourselves. If we don’t, we are then labeled as “nags” or “control freaks”. Men do not have these expectations from society. Furthermore, they are often given the life skills to establish very clear boundaries of what they will or won’t do which protects them from this kind of overload. By contrast, women are often the carriers of family traditions, often taught from a very young age. Men were not traditionally taught these same traditions and therefore do not attach the same importance to them.
Time for A Change
So how do you reduce your mental load as a mom? Easy. Do Less. Say No. Reset your expectations of yourself and others.
Schedule Time for You
Take a "locked-in" break. Go to your calendar and jot downtime for yourself. Add what you plan to do. And no throwing in a load of laundry because it only takes a minute! Need a longer break from the mental load? Just stop doing things. For a week or a month. Eventually, those around you will have to pick up some of the slack. Figure out what you need to actually do and what can be done by others. Then just leave them to do it.
Throw Expectations Out the Window
Stop looking at all those Instagram accounts of moms with perfect houses or well-dressed perfect children doing exciting things and spending loads of time and effort on their family. You know it isn’t real. Whatever is shown there is a moment, a portion of their home, a minute of their children’s lives. Or perhaps it is a stock photo or professional account! It's pure PR. Sure your home needs to be as clean but only as clean as you can realistically keep it. You can de-clutter, but that also takes effort and we all know who will be responsible for that project! Just focus on what is important to you and your family and take the rest off the list.
Enlist Others
Ask for help. Often moms who end up with mental overload have trouble asking for help. Frankly, it takes a lot of effort and time to explain what and how something needs to be done, so you don't. Stop that. Tell them you are no longer responsible for something and mean it. Delegate. Assign chores, schedule keeping and kid’s activities to your spouse, your children and even your extended family, if that applies.
I have set-up a family google calendar we all have access to, keeping not only scheduled appointments but also tasks, chores, and reminders. Once I add them to the calendar, they go from my responsibility to our responsibility. Years ago, my husband suggested my daughter was old enough to make her lunch at age 11. I panicked that she wouldn’t have a well-balanced lunch or would forget it. I felt guilty because I packed lunch for her older brother well into high school. But we tried it and it has worked wonderfully for the last five years. I had five years less work to do in the mornings.
Don’t Judge
This is simple. Don’t judge other moms. Don’t judge yourself as a mom. Don’t judge your spouse’s actions. Let it all go.
Keep Your Brain Healthy
Mental load and mom brain is exhausting and greatly affects cognitive function. Here are a few ways to boost your brain:
- Connect with others socially in person. Nothing replaces a good conversation with a friend or a spontaneous interaction with someone with like interests – like another mom.
- Have date night. You need time to spend with your spouse or partner without the kids.
- Join a book club, take a yoga class, visit the farmers market every week. Get out and be part of your community and keep your brain alert with activity.
- Set routines. These are a must for busy moms. Routines help take the pressure off you and let your family get into the habit of doing things for themselves. Keeping things in the same place. Tidying before bed. Making sure you have everything you need for the next day from soccer practice to dance class. Let your kids and your spouse in on these everyday chores.
- Get adequate sleep. This may be the hardest and the most important.
- Adjust your diet. Add foods that are good for your brain. Blueberries, turmeric, healthy fats, cauliflower, and chocolate are all helpful for the brain fog moms tend to experience.
- Try some herbs. Herbs such as ginkgo biloba support normal brain function, improves memory loss and lessens brain fog.
Moms, reduce the load you carry. Use Mother’s Day as a time to reflect on the responsibilities you hold. Chocolates and flowers are nice, but having time to yourself is priceless. So think about how your family can give you the gift of lessening your load throughout the rest of the year.
References 1 Canadian Association for Neuroscience. "Motherhood permanently alters the brain and its response to hormone therapy later in life." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 26 May 2015. 2 A Berkshire Hathaway Company. New Research Shows the “Mental Load” is Real and Significantly Impacts Working Mothers Both at Home and Work. Business Wire. 20 Dec 2017
